Perhaps my approach to Japan was rushed, unplanned, and ill prepared. Perhaps I wanted to get away so bad I didn’t care where I was going or how I would get there. It seems to be an attempt to overcompensate for my over attachment to the past. I wanted to move so far ahead into the future and still failing to really see what’s in front of me. I guess I still have a long way to go before I can finally achieve that goal of being whole, of being happy with myself…In the rush to reach out, I forgot to look behind me to see what I’m leaving behind, and all those that would rather have me stay. I think, she wanted me to stay.
Recently I’ve been talking to someone I’ve met a long time ago via the Internet. We were bestfriends, make-shift lovers, we were a lot of things wild and free. We were young and full of hope. Most of all, we were full of love for one another, albeit something we couldn’t control very well. We had our moments, our good bye, and we both went through many things unforeseeable. We faced hardship, heart breaks, betrayals, regrets, and faced them apart, but we never really faced them alone. Deep in our minds we thought of each other, what we might be doing at the time, what were we thinking, if we ever crossed each other’s mind. Perhaps somewhere a long the way, we looked up at the same sky and wondered if the other can see the same stars. We lived, we hoped, and we carried on with all we’ve got, both hoping for a better tomorrow.
Two years ago, I received a text message from her on the 4th of July. We were going to watch fireworks that night, and how it would be great to spend it together. She said she missed me. But I had no idea how much. She said she would call to say good night, but I was so tired and because of the time difference, I told her I was going to bed and she sounded so disappointed. But I had no idea how much.
A few more text messages carried our thoughts to one another, bridging the gap between the East and West coast. Over the past two years, more messages were exchanged, slowly but surely digging up the emotions that we managed to bury deep within ourselves. We found reasons to open up ourselves to each other, against better judgement. We remembered the days we spent together, talking about small things and big hopes. We tried to make sense of what has happened when we were together, and also when we were apart. Our love were given to others, get trampled on, and repeat. Through it all, like a seed caught in a bird’s feather, we carried each other’s imprint on our hearts across time and space, always trying to find someone or something that will fill that mold, that will fit it like a lock in order to open a door we both closed off. We wanted to be whole again, we wanted each other. But I had no idea how much.
Messages became calls, calls became more often, and often became longer. In a short amount of time we were able to piece together the pages that have been scattered through the years by the winds of time; by the hands of others that we thought we could trust. We filled the missing parts with the memories we have now, and where we could, filled them with promises for tomorrow. I thought…I really thought I loved her. But I had no idea how much.
She came on strong, she accepted me as though nothing has happened between us. She took all of me and asked nothing of me, only that I take her as she is. I learned terrible things, and I began to feel a sense of helplessness that I have not felt in a long time. I felt like I deserted her, left her for others to hurt. I did this. Yet, she didn’t mind, she only wanted me, my acceptance, my heart, my trust. She wanted my love. But I had no idea how much.
I need to know how you feel. I need to know what you’re thinking. What you’re willing to offer, and what you’re willing to accept. I need to hear it from you that I am everything you want to be with, everything you don’t want to let go, and everything you won’t live with out. I want to know that you believe me when I say that you ARE my everything, the one I WANT to be with, that I WON’T let you go, and you’re the one I CAN’T live without. I want you to believe that these are more than words. That everything that comes out right now are the culmination of all I’ve seen, all I’ve felt, all I’ve learned, and all I’ve managed to put together as a gift that you surely deserve above all else. This is who I am, how I feel, what I’m willing to do, what I’m willing to give up, and what I won’t take for granted. I don’t want to test the waters anymore, I don’t want to get my feet wet, I want to drown myself in you. Please let me say…that I love you. You have no idea how much.
