Category: Life

She sleeps as I watch

We could be talking all night, about anything and everything. Or we could have been apart, I at work, or she out with friends. When it’s time for her to sleep, and if I’m still awake…she’d activate her webcam, smile at me, and closes her eyes, shifts into a comfortable posture, then proceeds to dream. I don’t know what she dreams about, I hope it’s me, or anything that make her happy. For hours upon hours, I’d just sit here, doing whatever I would be doing online, all while watching her sleep. Right now, she’s curled up on the couch, her pretty brown hair strewn across that red pillow. Her arms close to her chest, clutching that blanket close to her body. Every hour or so she’d move slightly. Turning in her sleep, seeking a better posture. Some nights she’d wake up, tell me she loves me, just to sleep again. In a way I feel…honored. By what? I don’t know yet. Maybe she trusts me to watch over her as she sleeps. Maybe she wants to know that I’m there whenever she wakes up so she does not feel alone. Maybe she wants me to be able to see her and not be alone. She says she loves me, and I believe her. My only hope is that when I’m finally next to her, when I can actually touch her, that I really do love her as I believe myself to be right now. I would watch her sleep just as I do now. And I’ll be there when she wakes up.

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep
but this time not alone
and i know
and you’ll kiss me in your living room

 

Rediscovering a past to find my future.

About six years ago I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. After three or so years of treatment involving psychotherapy and medication, I was beginning to enjoy life again. Since then, I’ve changed a lot, learned a lot, but somehow the feeling of sadness comes and goes as it pleases. Through it all, I went through several short lived relationships. This is where I’ve began to notice something that I did not consider before: my depression is not the cause, but rather a symptom or side effect of something much greater. During my initial treatment of depression my therapist and I brought up the possibility that I might have something called borderline personality disorder, something that creates great difficulty in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Since making the realization, I’ve stepped back a little and am trying to reassess the situation in order to make the best decision in getting over my problems. This time, I’m doing this for me, not anyone else. There are many people I’ve hurt because of how I acted, but no one was hurt more than myself. This change is about me, my feelings, my road to happiness, my life. I’ve spent far too much time and effort trying to appease others, seeking approval and validation from all except myself. No more. I will be the change I wish to see.

Let it go

Is letting go a sign of weakness? Or a sign of strength? Is it the easy way out, or giving someone else the chance to get out? The best intentions are often plagued with fallacy and misery. Where do we draw the line between letting someone go because we love, or holding them back because we need their love?

Life is full of losses and gains, it is up to us to choose that to give up and what to keep, and I believe that’s what matters in the end: the ability to see the values in intangible things. The choices we are given bring us more pain than freedom. We complain when there’s too much, when there’s too little, or when the choices are not of our desire. Have you ever put too much cereal into your bowl and realized that it’s impossible to scoop without spilling? Personally, I’d empty it out into a new and bigger bowl and start over. Like the cereal, the more choices we are presented with, the harder it is for us to get to the right one. A cup of hot tea or coffee represents the moment where we rush into the decision making process without much thought, and we end up burning ourselves and not being able to taste the good stuff. Let it cool down, only then would we be ready to face the situation at hand.

When do sacrifices become selfish? Saving a loved one against his or her will just just bad as destroying ourselves for those who do not wish for it. The decision should be mutual, not one sided. But some how our nature prevents us from realizing that, and the choices we make for others are done in vain, and everyone suffers. We try to take on the responsibility of caring for someone as though we are the savior, the hero, the protector that everyone turns to when things go wrong. We make it seem as though our strength and love are infinite, but in the end we disappoint others, and we are forced to abandon them and taking all their hope away. We make promises we knew we couldn’t keep but we expect others to forgive and forget.

Forever ago, she loved me enough to let me go. Today, I loved another enough to let her go. I took a love and turned it into hatred, and it’s the choice I’ll have to live with. I couldn’t love her like I said I would, and before it gets to the point where I hate her, I have to give her up, I have to let her go, and I have to walk away. She must lose me before I take all she has to offer, and that I couldn’t live with.

This is the wrong kind of good bye. It’s the last I’ll ever say.